HeartBeats

Am I weird, (Pakou will say yes), or do other people also like to feel their heart beat?
I mean, sometimes, I just like to put my hand to my neck and feel my pulse. The steady 'tha-thump..tha-thump..tha-thump' is so calming. Reassuring. I like it.
Last night I could not fall asleep. Seriously, I was wide awake and could not put my mind to rest. So I was feeling my heart beat, trying to calm down. Sadly, it didn't help like it usually does. But it made me think about it; how a heart beat can reassure me. It's steady and constant. I feel the blood pumping through me, and I am reassured that I am alive. Some times, like yesterday morning, I have to assure myself that I am alive and that I should live before I get out of bed. Sunday morning I couldn't. It took me hours. I just wanted to sleep all day and ignore life. I like sleep. I don't get to sleep much. Not as much as I want to. Blast insomnia! And with all of these weird dreams intruding on me, the sleep I have been getting is starting to wake me up. I had a dream in which I threatened a girl I know, I said I was going to kill her and I started to chase her. Luckily I woke up before anything happened, and then it took me a long time to fall back asleep after that. The dreams aren't even like normal dreams. They feel different. And they freak me out, not only with their content, but also because I cannot control them. Usually, in normal dreams, I have some sort of control over what happens, or else I can change it to my favor. In these dreams I've been getting, I have no control over anything that happens. Sometimes I'm not even me, I mean, I'm not in my body. It is so strange, I'm not used to it. I don't know if I will get used to it.
What was I talking about?
Oh, yea, feeling my heartbeat.
So, I find it reassuring and I like it.
Oh, and I found that on Sunday morning my mind finally wandered to my friends at school and then my grandma, and the thought of her is what made me get up and say, 'I need to be alive and live'. So, I asked my mom if we could visit my grandma and grandpa that day. And we did. I took a picture of them, I want to put it in my room so that when I wake up I see them smiling and I want to get up. Like encouragement. I love them so much.

Oh, on a whole nother note, my digital camera wasn't working yesterday.I tried to hook it up to my computer, but it would not copy the pictures over. It is completely full. I am hoping to work on it today and make it work.

The bell is going to ring in like five minutes. (Yes, I'm done with my assignment, it was sort of like a free day for me) [And Milan's slide shows are all AWESOME!]

God bless you peoples!
~TARA