How Has Time Passed So Quickly?

It has been how long since I've last written? I'm too lazy to check, but it's been a long time. ;)

I cannot believe myself. An hour ago, I was doing pretty good. I could feel myself getting sadder, but I thought, maybe I can keep it off, make it go away. Now here I am. I'm not sad yet, hopefully I won't sink any further, but I am at that stage where you are just so bored and desensitized. I really don't like this. I had to write, had to get it out, tell some one (though I don't really think anyone reads this blog 'o' mine). Honestly, I guess I don't blame people for not reading this blog. It's depressing.

Oh, I learned a new word. Masochistic. I didn't know what it meant, so I looked it up. This is what it said according to thefreedictionary.com : 1. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.
2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself. 3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences. I TELL YOU THIS NOW, I have absolutely no link to the sexual part, but I do derive pleasure (maybe not quite pleasure, but I like it) from pain. I don't know what it is, I just like it. Maybe not exactly while it's being inflicted, but right afterward I feel something for it. If it's a cut, I feel pride at the mark left behind. A bruise, a little thrill every time it gets hit or throbs. It makes no sense. People aren't supposed to like pain. Are they?

Lately I've been questioning everything. I'm getting sick of it. Add to that the terrible feelings of nostalgia for my childhood. Plus the ups and downs I'm trying to get used to, but it has absolutely no pattern that I can make out, so I can't.

This sounds so stupid and melodramatic, (total teenager), but I just can't figure out who I am. I know, stupid. But hear me out, okay? When I'm down especially I love the pain and I love the miserableness. When I'm up and don't love anything especially. But when I'm in the middle, like when the fog clears and I can actually think, I find that I love painting and writing and drawing and even music. I like to spend limited amounts of time with my family even. I love to look at the sky and watch everything, people, animals, plants, everything. I am so serene. But practically no one knows that about me. It doesn't seem like it anyways. But which one of the three am I? I feel most comfortable when I'm down and when I'm 'normal'. What if when I'm down I am my normal self? But that doesn't level out with the feeling normal and not being down. So, I guess what I'm saying is I know what I like, maybe I even know who I am, but not how I can stay that way or what I will become.

I think that if I could stay in the midland, the normal me, for an extended period of time, I could settle and develop some more interests and improve my skills. I could make some good friends and show my family who I am inside. Or maybe what I am inside. But I just can't stay in the midland. So my next question: Can I actually make myself stay in the midland, but I choose to go down so that then I may enjoy the miserableness and pain while also allowing myself to avoid any serious friendships or commitments? That would be killing two birds with one stone, as strange as it is. Honestly, I can't figure it out. I don't think I can control the feelings in me, the annoying, evil little beast that keeps invading my mind and poisoning my emotions. But every time I get close to fighting it off, or I get close to giving up, I remember the pleasure I got from feeling so terrible, and I give in almost (but not quite) willingly. It's so annoying, and I'm getting tired of it. I'm getting sick of it. I want to stay myself. I want control of myself. But then I revert to my less self-assured self, thinking, well, I think I want control, but I don't know if I really do. And I get stuck in limbo between them. I hate limbo.

Another thing I have noticed in myself is I am much less committed to anything. Usually I would have read at least three books by this time in summer. How many have I read? Let's see...none. How many have I started? At least four. Not very far in any of them either. I used to love to read. I think I still do. But I just can't any more. Same with painting and writing. Everything has become at least ten times harder. There's that fog in my mind still. It clears every now and then, yes. But that's not enough to live off of. I need it to go away forever. I want to enjoy my life; I'm only getting this one on earth. You say, well, why not just stay down and pessimistic and masochistic, you enjoy the pain and negativity. True, I've thought it so many times before. But that's not actual real life. Real living is being able to love. Loving is hard for me, which makes pessimism so much easier. I don't want to live a real fake life. Does any of that make sense? If that's not enough, I hate seeing people I like look at me like they aren't sure about me. Or see myself hurt them verbally, when really I didn't want to, but somehow I did. With that evil thing inside me, I hurt people a lot. They don't always show it, but usually they're eyes give them away. I know that the real me doesn't like hurting people. But I can't seem to stop. Whether it's me or something else doing the hurting I don't really know, but I do know I hate it.

That evil thing, the thing that gets me down, has blended itself into me. It is so hard to pick myself apart from it. I still try on occasion. But it's so tiresome I just try to ignore it. It's funny to me, for some reason, that I am running around with a mixture of me and something evil and yet there's still a part of me that's purely me that can watch it and shake it's head in disgust at what I do. It's all me, but it's so different. Maybe you'll call it a conscience. But my conscience feels different than this part of pure me. Usually my conscience is next to it though. It's just so weird, especially when I can acutely feel the pure me and the mixed me at the same time, but seem to have little control over either.

I think I've said enough. Maybe too much. I have trust issues, can't trust anyone, so that's making life pretty hard on me now too. It's hard to talk to anyone you don't trust. Lack of trust and hope, like what I'm experiencing, also seems to make it harder to forgive people, because if you forgive them there is no reason not to trust them. But I can't just not trust someone, I have to have a reason, even if it's a weak reason or untrue.

Now I've way overdone it.
Sorry I kept you for so long.
If you can spare a moment, I need all the help I can get so feel free to add your thoughts or opinions or if you think I'm stupid or something, just tell me. I'm here.

May God bless you all