I Made It To The Weekend & My Fifteenth Year!

Technically I'm not 15 yet, but in a few hours I will be.
*YAY*
So, I've already opened my presents.
It was pretty cool, I actually laughed out loud when my mom said to get ready to open my presents. Know why? I'll tell you: The guitar was supposed to be my birthday present! And they forgot or something!
My great parents gave me Comatose comes ALIVE from Skillet, pretty sweet, I've already listened to it and I'm thinking I might watch the DVD tomorrow. Plus, I also received this sweet black pinstriped hat! (Yep, I'll get some pics on here. Not gonna say when, because I really don't have any idea)
My friends were great: They decorated my locker! Thanks guys! :) And, since you all didn't make me an Italian flag to put on my locker, I made two(2!) during Art class. Yes, both of them are staying inside my locker; hopefully to the end of the school year. (I put 2 hearts on the middle of one of them. I made a heart stamp in Art and was trying it out. It's pretty cool, I did green/white/red with it so the hearts are like Italian too)
Oh, of course, I love my presents from you guys too!
If you didn't hear, I named the Polar Bear Hannah L gave me Sasha(because that is a very pretty and pleasant name that I like) she is so soft and adorable!, and I love the little angel Emily and Rachel gave me! It's so great, thank you so much!
Kenzie (can I call you Kenzie?) Thanks for the card! I kinda tend to wear stripes every Monday, as Vicki pointed out to me(I hadn't noticed), but sure, next time we plan a stripes day, you are going to be informed!
I'm planning to take pics of my presents and decorate my room some more and get some pictures of that, but again, I am not going to say anything definite about it.
Whoa, I feel kind of bad about not giving a deadline on the pictures. I just don't know how this weekend is going to go.
Umm, I'm a little uncomfortable, I don't think that's the right word, no, I'm a little wary? That's not right either. I guess I don't exactly know how I feel about this, but I want to let you all know and kind of let me get it on paper. Bear with me, please.
My Grandma has cancer. It's some rare form with a long name that I can never remember and never really wanted to remember. (I'm sorry, I really don't know how to put this.) She had breast cancer when my mom was younger, but they were able to take out the tumor or get rid of it somehow. Something like that. But a new form, this rare one, she has it now. The doctors said that it would never completely go away. But she was doing very very well with chemo and all of that stuff (her hair never did fall out!), and the cancer was practically gone. The doctors couldn't see it any more at least. My Grandma always is a fighter. On Wednesday(I really hope that's right) she had to go into surgery for her cancer again because it had gotten worse. She'd been feeling really bad for a few weeks I think. Anesthetics always are really hard on my Grandma, so after the surgery she was extremely exhausted. I can't even imagine. The doctor removed, ah, I can't remember how many tumors, and then I think over two gallons of..what are they called?..Cysts. Yes, I looked it up. Over two gallons! That explains why she was so uncomfortable, it was all in her abdominal region. The doctor said that if he were to remove more it would've killed her.
The incredible thing about my Grandma, or I should say one of the many incredible things about my Grandma is how she recovers. I heard that today she was already walking when just out of surgery she could hardly move. And she was walking fast! My aunt was telling her to slow down. I think that my Grandma is even coming home, or at least moving from the hospital to my aunt's house, tomorrow. Isn't she amazing? She amazes me. And, if she read this, she might be mad that I said so much and worried, but I had to get it out. Emily, I was talking to you about it today but I really don't think you were listening, but that's okay. Now I said it and I kind of feel better.
Grandma, I love you so much I can hardly believe it. That sounds weird but it's just because I stopped loving a lot of things and people for a few years but I never stopped loving you or Grandpa. That has to say something about you both. I love you so much!
I can't really break off of that onto a lighter note.
I guess I'll just list this stuff then:
*I think I did okay on my Science test
*I got an A on my math test/quiz
*We're going to start making Christmas Cards in Art on Monday :)
*I still really want to leave my school
*I'm feeling pretty lost with my life right now
That's about it. It's 12:16 now. I guess that makes it my birthday. I don't feel much different. A little sadder.
Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm tired. I'm feeling pretty pessimistic right now, that has to have something to do with it. I'm worried about my friends. I'm feeling like mostly the world is doomed. And that really frustrates me. I also feel like a machine a little, because I only ever do what I'm told and I have fun but no one thinks I do because I don't really like socializing or doing stuff with lots of people. My mom says I have to join something this Spring. Like some sort of sports thing. I hate competition. I know that I will become so anxious I will throw up! Thinking about it already makes me nauseous because I have to do something but I don't want to subject myself to all that emotional junk. It's like I cannot adequately convey all of these emotions and stuff and everything that's still messed up in me to my mom. She doesn't understand or maybe she just thinks that I'm making up excuses. It's just like how I cannot emotionally handle reading the book Rachel's Tears or She Said Yes. I can't. That's what sent me spiraling into my depression in the first place. Or that's as far back as I've traced it. Just this week Emily was saying how I should read Rachel's Tears, and I told her how I could not read it and she said it was scary, the look in my eyes and on my face. I still can't handle really even thinking about it. I should try to work through that probably, but I don't know how to or where I would even start. Somehow competition wormed it's way into being right in the same category as She Said Yes. I think of them together. I have no idea where the connection is. I can't handle competition, I feel worthless even on the off-chance I win and I hate how people always say 'Good job!' whether you do well or not. Maybe I shouldn't, because they are just being nice, but I don't like it. Like I said, I don't want to subject myself to it. I'll probably never sleep. I can't sleep when I'm worrying or anxious, so I suppose it's a miracle I sleep at all. Actually, it might be, because every night I have to pray to be able to sleep well and get enough sleep to get through tomorrow. The nights I forget to pray that I usually am really tired the next day. Incredibly, if it's early morning or really late at night and I can't sleep and I start to pray for sleep and for the people I'm especially worried about, I usually will fall asleep and have enough energy for the next day even though I physically shouldn't. God's wonderful like that.
Yea, I suppose that that is really adding to my sadness right now too.
I'm sorry I just turned that into a pity-party. I needed to get it out though.
Good night(or morning I guess)
God bless
~TARA


p.s.
I'm gonna add another of my favorite Mitchell Davis videos quick. This one makes me laugh every time. I've already watched it who knows how many times. But I like how it makes me laugh. And Juno was a pretty good movie with a pretty cool soundtrack. :-)