How Has Time Passed So Quickly?

It has been how long since I've last written? I'm too lazy to check, but it's been a long time. ;)

I cannot believe myself. An hour ago, I was doing pretty good. I could feel myself getting sadder, but I thought, maybe I can keep it off, make it go away. Now here I am. I'm not sad yet, hopefully I won't sink any further, but I am at that stage where you are just so bored and desensitized. I really don't like this. I had to write, had to get it out, tell some one (though I don't really think anyone reads this blog 'o' mine). Honestly, I guess I don't blame people for not reading this blog. It's depressing.

Oh, I learned a new word. Masochistic. I didn't know what it meant, so I looked it up. This is what it said according to thefreedictionary.com : 1. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.
2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself. 3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences. I TELL YOU THIS NOW, I have absolutely no link to the sexual part, but I do derive pleasure (maybe not quite pleasure, but I like it) from pain. I don't know what it is, I just like it. Maybe not exactly while it's being inflicted, but right afterward I feel something for it. If it's a cut, I feel pride at the mark left behind. A bruise, a little thrill every time it gets hit or throbs. It makes no sense. People aren't supposed to like pain. Are they?

Lately I've been questioning everything. I'm getting sick of it. Add to that the terrible feelings of nostalgia for my childhood. Plus the ups and downs I'm trying to get used to, but it has absolutely no pattern that I can make out, so I can't.

This sounds so stupid and melodramatic, (total teenager), but I just can't figure out who I am. I know, stupid. But hear me out, okay? When I'm down especially I love the pain and I love the miserableness. When I'm up and don't love anything especially. But when I'm in the middle, like when the fog clears and I can actually think, I find that I love painting and writing and drawing and even music. I like to spend limited amounts of time with my family even. I love to look at the sky and watch everything, people, animals, plants, everything. I am so serene. But practically no one knows that about me. It doesn't seem like it anyways. But which one of the three am I? I feel most comfortable when I'm down and when I'm 'normal'. What if when I'm down I am my normal self? But that doesn't level out with the feeling normal and not being down. So, I guess what I'm saying is I know what I like, maybe I even know who I am, but not how I can stay that way or what I will become.

I think that if I could stay in the midland, the normal me, for an extended period of time, I could settle and develop some more interests and improve my skills. I could make some good friends and show my family who I am inside. Or maybe what I am inside. But I just can't stay in the midland. So my next question: Can I actually make myself stay in the midland, but I choose to go down so that then I may enjoy the miserableness and pain while also allowing myself to avoid any serious friendships or commitments? That would be killing two birds with one stone, as strange as it is. Honestly, I can't figure it out. I don't think I can control the feelings in me, the annoying, evil little beast that keeps invading my mind and poisoning my emotions. But every time I get close to fighting it off, or I get close to giving up, I remember the pleasure I got from feeling so terrible, and I give in almost (but not quite) willingly. It's so annoying, and I'm getting tired of it. I'm getting sick of it. I want to stay myself. I want control of myself. But then I revert to my less self-assured self, thinking, well, I think I want control, but I don't know if I really do. And I get stuck in limbo between them. I hate limbo.

Another thing I have noticed in myself is I am much less committed to anything. Usually I would have read at least three books by this time in summer. How many have I read? Let's see...none. How many have I started? At least four. Not very far in any of them either. I used to love to read. I think I still do. But I just can't any more. Same with painting and writing. Everything has become at least ten times harder. There's that fog in my mind still. It clears every now and then, yes. But that's not enough to live off of. I need it to go away forever. I want to enjoy my life; I'm only getting this one on earth. You say, well, why not just stay down and pessimistic and masochistic, you enjoy the pain and negativity. True, I've thought it so many times before. But that's not actual real life. Real living is being able to love. Loving is hard for me, which makes pessimism so much easier. I don't want to live a real fake life. Does any of that make sense? If that's not enough, I hate seeing people I like look at me like they aren't sure about me. Or see myself hurt them verbally, when really I didn't want to, but somehow I did. With that evil thing inside me, I hurt people a lot. They don't always show it, but usually they're eyes give them away. I know that the real me doesn't like hurting people. But I can't seem to stop. Whether it's me or something else doing the hurting I don't really know, but I do know I hate it.

That evil thing, the thing that gets me down, has blended itself into me. It is so hard to pick myself apart from it. I still try on occasion. But it's so tiresome I just try to ignore it. It's funny to me, for some reason, that I am running around with a mixture of me and something evil and yet there's still a part of me that's purely me that can watch it and shake it's head in disgust at what I do. It's all me, but it's so different. Maybe you'll call it a conscience. But my conscience feels different than this part of pure me. Usually my conscience is next to it though. It's just so weird, especially when I can acutely feel the pure me and the mixed me at the same time, but seem to have little control over either.

I think I've said enough. Maybe too much. I have trust issues, can't trust anyone, so that's making life pretty hard on me now too. It's hard to talk to anyone you don't trust. Lack of trust and hope, like what I'm experiencing, also seems to make it harder to forgive people, because if you forgive them there is no reason not to trust them. But I can't just not trust someone, I have to have a reason, even if it's a weak reason or untrue.

Now I've way overdone it.
Sorry I kept you for so long.
If you can spare a moment, I need all the help I can get so feel free to add your thoughts or opinions or if you think I'm stupid or something, just tell me. I'm here.

May God bless you all

Relient K ~ Awesome Band

Relient K is my fave band, as of the moment.
I really like their songs, or at least the one's I've heard.
My favorites are Be My Escape and I So Hate Consequences, with Who I Am Hates Who I've Been coming in a close second. They are a pretty uplifting band. As ironic as this sounds, it's really nice to listen to songs by a Christian band that talk about feeling bipolar, and it makes me feel better when I listen to them.
Speaking of bipolar, that's what I'm pretty sure I have, but who can be sure? I'm most certainly not going to bring it up. It would make my parents upset, and they wouldn't believe me anyway. It's just so annoying and upsetting. I get on the peaks, and I feel on top of the world. I feel great. But it's an empty sort of artificial happiness. Then I go down. I go down fast and hard. Of course I feel horrible when I'm down. You can't feel good and be in the pits, can you? But, recently, a blessing. I am having periods of time where I am myself. I mean, I can actually control how I feel and I know why I feel how I feel. I can think so much clearer. It is so incredible, and I thank God for it.
I love the times where I am myself most. That's pretty obvious. But I feel myself change a few minutes before I either go up or down uncontrollably. And then I start dreading it. It's unstoppable and uncontrollable. I have tried fighting it recently, but nothing seems to work. I don't let it take over anymore, like I used to a year ago, but I still can't stop it. It kind of controls my life, because it is so uncontrollable. But, I actually like the pits better than the peaks. Surprising, sure. But when I am in the pits I know that it'll only be a matter of time before I go up or back to myself. When I'm in the peaks, I know that I'm going to go down. No stopping it. And the happiness is so artificial I can't enjoy it. So, even though I'm super artificially happy, I am miserable. And when I'm in the pits I'm miserable. Only when I'm myself do I ever feel good.
Don't take it for granted all of you out there! :)

A wonderful thing happened yesterday! Last day of school, and our school took us to Valley Fair for the whole day! It was pretty fun. I was feeling miserable, I was in a pit (I didn't want to be, I couldn't help it, which made me feel guilty and even worse, because my friends were having fun and were kind of thinking I was mad at them, but I was just miserable and tried not to be and that didn't work), but the weather was nice. Or at least, I thought it was nice. I prefer cloudy weather to sunny weather. I'm weird like that. It started raining a little bit the last like 15 minutes. It was so awesome, the clouds were like electrified. You know, before a storm when outside it's all calm and the electricity is in the air and tingling? That's what it was like.

Can't say anything more now.

God bless!

What Happened Friday the 18th of April 2008

Dun Dun Dun Dun!
On Friday the 18th of April, I failed my first test.
OK, so my whole class failed too. And everyone was laughing. It really was hilarious. Everyone got an F. It was so so so so so funny! My teacher was even laughing. He admitted that the test was probably too hard and way harder than we had expected. We're going to go over it on Monday, and then my teacher is going to make a new test so that we'll pass. Or at least one of us will pass. It was hilarious. I got 41 out of 70. Actually, that was a lot better than a bunch of people, but I still failed.

I was laughing when the bell rang and as my friend and I walked out of the room my teacher asked if I had actually passed. I was like, no! I only got 41. I failed! and you know what he said? He said that it was about time I failed! Then he laughed and went back into his room. It was kind of weird.

So, that was pretty exciting, and I had fun telling lots of people that my whole class failed their science tests.

Then my brother's girlfriend invited me to go to her house. I accepted. Rachel, she is so nice. She was baby-sitting her three younger sisters. Rachel is really into scrap booking and we both made a scrap booking cube. I made mine with a flowers and creme theme, and I'll have to attach the pictures later. She made one of her and my bro when he tried to do her hair. The pics are really funny, my brother cannot do hair! I'm going to give mine to my mom for Mother's Day. But, like I said, I have to attach the pictures first.

Rachel is so nice. We talked for a really long time, about my family and my brother and life kind of. She knows how much I want sisters. And she is probably the closest thing to a sister that I have. She is one of my best friends too. Even though she's older than me, we get along great. And I guess we are only a year apart, so it's not like a huge difference.

There's not much more to say now, I guess.

Except that two little kids from church are staying overnight at our house. Then we're bringing them to church. I think that they're 6 and 4. or maybe 5 and 4. Either way, they're young.

I'm gonna go enjoy my freedom now, before they come over. No offense to little kids, I love them , I really do, but if I spend too much time with them I get so annoyed that I have to take a break and just relax for a little while. Actually, I like kids when they're too young to talk, and then once they grow up they're okay again. So, in other words, I like them before they can talk and then once they have acquired maturity.

I hope to talk to y'all on Monday!
God bless!

April 17, 2008

All of Ya'll are waiting for me to get my science test back. Well, I'm still waiting too.

I was reading C. S. Lewis' The Weight of Glory today, after I finished a test in school today. That is an incredible book, if you can decipher it. I was reading his speech entitiled Is Theology Poetry? And I almost burst out laughing. I think Lewis was trying to be funny when he was talking about how people who are skeptics and attack Christianity try to say that Christianity is just more mythology. And then Lewis made this whole dramatic 'mythological' view of how the earth was created from Darwin's explanation of the Big Bang. It was so dramatic and he did this whole thing about how everything was created and it was like the best myth ever and such an exciting story. It is. It's dramatic. But it's not real. It makes a great story, it sounds so exciting, first all darkness, then earth and then life and plants into animals into mammal into man. And then man into all that man is now. It is so dramatic but it didn't happen. I found it to be a great read, he is so insightful, and I recommend reading it. I haven't finished yet though.

God created Earth. And God created everything on Earth. So then lots of people say, so God created guns. I laugh in my head. Nice try skeptic. God created man. God gave man free will. And man used free will to create the killing machine, a.k.a. guns.

I want to say more, but I have to go. I will write more later. Please comment.

April 16, 2008

Well, this is not good.

I took my science test yesterday, and, haha, I didn't know half the questions.

Yeah...I kind of panicked a little bit. There were 67 questions. 65 multiple choice, 2 essay questions. At least I knew the answer to one of the essay questions. The other I kind of had an idea of, but I think that I may have gotten half credit on that one. I don't think I did too well. Oooooh. And I think that a lot of it wasn't in our book either, because yes, I DID STUDY. Just not that much. ;)

I have't gotten the results of the test back, hopefully I will tomorrow. So, I thought I'd tell you how I think I did. Actually, I'm hoping that the grades will be so bad my teacher will let the whole class retake it. That would be so nice, if we all did bad at least. He's done that before, he (my teacher) gets really mad at my class quite a bit. Just because we're 'honors' and we're supposed to be able to understand everything and stay on task and all that jazz. No offense to him, but just because we're 'honors' doesn't mean that we can stay on task or understand stuff we weren't really taught. What he did teach us I understand. Like how seismic waves travel. (Yea, learning about earthquakes, volcanoes, and tectonic plates. whoopie)

But, to add something lighter:
In Spanish class today my teacher was writing on the whiteboard and her marker wasn't working. She said that it was because her other class uses them and doesn't put the cap back on. Almost immediately, three people shout 'it was Isaiah!'. And then they go to talking about detentions and how one teacher always gives them, (although he gives them after he has given like three or four warnings, they just dont like detentions and can't take the blatant hint: You're getting on my nerves, raise your hand dont just shout out.). And then they said how after one of the girls who got a detention's parents found out, she had to do dishes. Then the Spanish teacher said she had to do dishes every night.
So, then we got to talking about chores and one boy started spazzing and saying how he has to feed all of the animals and mow the lawn and do all this stuff on his farm. Then he said soemthing like 'I'll cut all their heads off!' and he was talking about the cows that he had to feed. So then the girls are all like 'Ahhh! Oh no! He's gonna like be like all crazy one day and be driving a conbine and be like, i hate you all! And drive into the barn and run them all over and then he'll drive into his house and go on a rampage!'
Ok, I know, not nearly as funny as if you knew the kids and how our Spanish class is usually off task and crazy. But, that is my little story of how in Spanish we went from talking about a marker that didn't work to a rampaging farm boy.
I thought it was a little funny.

Whew!

Okay, so guess what?
That science test that was supposed to be today...well...it was postponed.
Good for me, and over half of my Honors science class! Yea, honors and practically no one studied. So, tonight I must study.
That's all I can say for now.
God bless!

April 11, 2008

Today was just another regular day.
In light of that, I will say more about me, since there is nothing interesting to report.
If you haven't been able to tell, I am a very opinionated person, but I am open to new ideas and new views. I love to listen to mature people talk about...Well, about practically anything.
That is why I love listening to my aunts and grandma and grandpa talk all the time. They are so interesting and have had so many expieriances. And I used to love listening to them.
Used to. I still do. Or, I mean, I think I do.
Last time I went to see my grandma, grandpa, and one of my aunts, I acted happy. But I was really miserable. There was no reason for me to be miserable, it had been a good day. But I was. And, me knowing that I was usually happy around them and now I was miserable made me even more miserable. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Was something wrong with me? Is something wrong with me?
I don't really want anything to be wrong with me, but what if there is?
Another example: I get straight A's in school. No, I'm not a geek, far from it. I used to study, especially for big tests, but I never studied too hard because everything seemed to come so naturally to me. Today I was supposed to have a big Science test. I hate science, I admit it, but I used to at least try to study. I completely ignored it. All last night, I did other stuff. And then, after lunch and right before Science Class, I didn't even open my book. I probably would have bombed the test. Luckily for me, and everyone who was unprepared, the test has been rescheduled for Monday. Whew. Maybe I'll study over the weekend. I should study. But I don't feel like studying, I don't want to study.
This is so unlike me. Even though I hated studying before I started feeling so strange like I have the past year, I would still study because I knew that it was, in a sense, good for me.
With all of you as my witnesses, my encouragers, my peers, I will study. And, just to make me more motivated, I am going to tell you what I score on it.
Hopefully it's like 50 points and all multiple choice, because that would be easier than all the short answer questions that my teacher has been making us do recently.
Please feel free to comment and send me any messages.

This is who I am

Welcome to my life.
I am not what I would call normal. But what is normal? Isn't that the question we all ask? It seems like so many people what to be 'popular'. They want to be 'in'. But what do I want? Honestly, I could care less what everyone else thinks about me. Does it matter what you think when I myself like who I am and what I stand for? Yes, it does still matter what you think. But, if you only want to criticize and scoff at me, then I really don't care. Do what you want. If you want to spend your life looking down your nose at me, have fun, but I think that there are any better views to be expressed.
I am not clinically depressed. I may be depressed, but I don't know because my parents aren't too concerned about it. And in them not being very concerned, I admit, I feel like they aren't very concerned about me. I'll bet that there are tons of people out there who feel the same way. And, I wouldn't mind hearing from you. Comment all you want to, I'll read them all. I value loyalty, honesty, caring, commitment. I value people. From the gurgling baby to the grumpy old man who always snores when he falls asleep in public places. Even if I may not like you, I still value you.
Everyone out there, I want to say that I will listen to you. And maybe even a few of you will listen to me. Feel free to email me or post comments. I really want to help as many people as I can. And lots of people, including me, really do need help.